Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
