I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
