too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
