man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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