for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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