Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
