Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
