my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
