you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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