listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
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Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
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He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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