Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
