Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
This is my gift to your gina
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
