What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm passing your future prison.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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