Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
