Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
