Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
