it's too hot outside to masturbate.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize