I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
