I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
