She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
