I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Randomize
