Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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