somebody snuck up and got me drunk
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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