Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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