I'm eating all of the evidence.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
