This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
