I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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