He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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