My hair reeks of homosexuality.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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