Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
