i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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