Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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