My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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