I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
