We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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