mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
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