we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
