The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
