Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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