He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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