pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
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Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
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This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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