im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
