I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
