You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
