Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
