At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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