I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
