I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
