oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
