the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i drank out of a bidet.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
