Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
