i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
