Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
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Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
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Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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