Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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