My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
