using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
At least life still wants to fuck me.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
